It starts with me

Like many other readers of Lissa's blog, I continue to think about her post "Every Face I Look At Seems Beautiful." The title quote is from an excerpt of Betty Edwards's book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, where a woman reflected that after taking Betty's class, every face she looked at seemed beautiful to her.

I read that part of Lissa's post and self-righteously told myself, "I'm kind of like that - I don't find anyone ugly, we're all fascinating in our own way." Hmmm. Right. So tell me why not an hour later I was looking at myself in the mirror - at the circular scar on my nose that looks like someone took some silly putty and formed a little disk and slapped it there, and let's not talk about my seriously thinning hair or crooked teeth - and wondered why I was so ugly? Wasn't I just the same person who said she didn't find people ugly? Shouldn't that mean ME too? Apparently, it doesn't, LOL!

I'm not going to try to figure out WHY I'm so hard on myself, but I know I am, in so many ways. How can I love my kids when I hate myself? How can I be patient with my kids when I'm not patient with myself? How can I think they are beautiful when they look like me and I think I'm ugly??

Actually, it was the realization that they DO resemble me, and I find them beautiful when I'm not thinking about how much they resemble me, that gave me the push to go easier on myself.

I'm finding, ever so slowly, that when I'm loving myself and being patient with my huge list of faults, it allows God's grace to flow through me to them. I show more patience than I think I possess, more creativity for those tense moments, more energy to lead them to the next thing or sit back and enjoy the show.

When I fall back on hating myself, the wall between us comes slamming back down. I'm tired, I'm impatient, I'm bossy and snappy. I hate myself and act like I hate them too.

I prayed the other day to see my children through God's eyes. My prayer today is that I see myself that way also.