Lately I've been doing much thinking on how my actions are perceived by my children. One thing I dislike, and I want to do less of, is what I'm going to call a lack of integrity (I'm not sure if I'm using that word correctly here, but I'm very sleep deprived, so please forgive me, lol). I want my reasons for saying no to something to be good and pure ones, not contrived. For example, when my dd asks for a toy at the supermarket, I shouldn't answer "No, that's to expensive," if we really have more than enough money in the budget to cover it. Then again, often my reasons are quite complicated, and to explain to a 5 year old that "we do have the money but it is not worth the money they are asking for something that will just break in a week and fill the landfill and besides I'm trying to declutter the house" seems a bit overboard. Maybe I'm wrong on that. ;-)
So here is my current dilemma. Food, and when it's served. I am striving for order and simplicity here, and serving myself and 6 other people meals at all various times is driving me a bit batty. Yet because of busy-ness (nursing, dryer stopping, reading aloud, etc) I am often eating at different times than they are. I am also trying to break my 2 and 5 year olds of the "take a few bites and then say you're full and go play" scenario. So I've been talking to them about eating while they are seated, and if they get down and say they are done, their meal is over. OK, they say. Then more times then not they are really hungry after a short while. I remind them that their meal is over. Here is where it gets sticky. They are often saying "Mom, I'm hungry" when *I* have finally sat down to eat and they see my food.
I could:
Share. Then there is less for me. I know that sounds totally selfish, but I am super low on energy right now and I'm nursing my huge 6 month old and my almost 3 year old. I would have to use up even more energy to make myself something new. But to NOT share teaches THEM to be selfish (I see this coming to fruition)
Tell them "I said before your meal is over when you left the table. I don't run a restaurant." I say something to this effect (in words they can understand, and much more pleasantly than this is sounding) often. But HELLO? *I* am eating at a different time then they are. Apparently that rule only goes for them, and to say as much seems very false to me. The five year old especially gives me that look like, "Mom, that seems awfully silly to say when you are sitting there eating and you could have just as easily given me some too. You do too run a restaurant, just not for me."
No matter what, it seems I'm teaching them I'm either false, or selfish...and I hear it coming back to haunt me when they treat their siblings in a similar fashion.
But do you know what? I really DON'T want to run a restaurant here! I want them to eat their meal when they are served it, and not again until the next scheduled meal/snack (which are frequent, they don't lack for food around here). This is as much for the simplicity/order thing as it is just a lack of time/energy on my part. I'll never get anything done if all five of them are needing help in the kitchen every 10 minutes.
OK, lay it on me. How do I deal with this? How can I tell them to eat their meals and only their meals and do it when I say, and then eat all willy nilly myself? I have explained the facts, but it still seems contrived to them. FWIW, I also have to eat many small meals a day because my blood suger is going bonkers and I'm not getting enough protein or something due to the whole "food allergic nursling" thing. Or should I just let chaos rule and let them eat whenever they want?
(p.s. I do know all about the "small stomachs" of kids and how much they can/should eat in a day - I take that into account - like I said we have plenty of scheduled times to eat, they just want it ALL the other times too, at various times on any given day.)
(p.p.s reading this over, I feel silly posting it. But I'm going to anyway. I'm interested in how everyone else does this.)
ETA (again!): I am often *with* them during meals, just not *eating*, although I may be in another part of the same room (i.e. if they are at the dining room table I may be 10 feet away on the couch nursing in the "living room" section of the same open room. Dh is often with some/all of them for breakfast, but if I eat then I don't get a shower (which I must admit is quite important for me - if I don't shower in the morning, I feel blechy all day, LOL) -- but again, that means all or some have eaten, and I have not...
...just clarifying. :)
And what about when they eat, say they are full (plate is half touched) - I throw it away (because it contains things baby is allergic to and I can't eat, for example, or it has gotten disgusting! LOL) - then 20 minutes later they say they are STARVING, because they see me eating because my blood sugar plummeted? I just threw out a plate full of food! They said they were done! Aaaaaaaaaahhh! ;-)
Why does this all just seem so *difficult*?
7 comments:
I would do all you can to eat with them. Otherwise as you say, it's one rule for them and another for you. You can always nurse at the table as you eat; and the dryer can wait a few minutes... My children don't eat a proper meal if I'm not sitting with them.
Could you save the meal on the plate for them in the fridge? Explain to them, while you do it, that they have decided that they are done, "wasting a meal" I would say, and if they decide they are hungry later, they are more than welcome to have their meal later. I know this may seem like more work, but I have a thing about sharing my food with my kids. I won't finish their meals, and it's not because I am allergic or anything. If they don't finish it, then you can throw it away.
It is hard to sit down together sometimes, but I would work really hard on eating with them. Can you nurse at the table and eat too? I must be bad mom, because I LOVE to ignore the dryer buzzer! LOL
HTH
Fuzzy
Ditto the eating together. On the other hand, I'm not sure you're being either "false" or "selfish" in the arrangement you find yourself falling into. It doesn't seem like separate rules, just turn-taking. After all, when they were eating, you might have been hungry, but you didn't pester them to share their food with you while they were eating, or stand around saying, "I'm hungry. I'm hungry." They should not be doing that during your turn. Seems to me that playground etiquette can apply at the dinner table, too.
In your defense, you didn't eat then because you were serving them. They had their time, and could eat their fill in peace; now it's your time to eat. Though eating all together would be a better solution overall, it seems to me that there's a decent lesson to be learned in that kind of give-and-take, especially for the 5yo (a 2yo's not quite as ready for that).
And it seems that there are several issues in play here. One is real hunger, and whether or not children are really hungry twenty minutes after dinner, or whether it's just the power of suggestion, or what. That could be solved by saving their plates until after you're through eating, so that if they start with the "I'm hungry," you can simply pull dinner out again and say, well, here you go (nicely, not sarcastically, of course!), and they can eat with you. Which of course begs the question of why you bothered to have a separate dinner for them earlier, if it ends up not counting because you're not eating . . .
The other is habit-training with regard to meals. The 5yo is probably readier for that than the 2yo -- at least that's how it works in our house. I find that at 5 they're suddenly far more capable of sitting down to eat a decent meal all at one time, which is more a self-control and attention-span thing than anything else. They're also starting to be just hungrier in a more grownup way by that age. That really IS helped enormously by having a family dinner, with everyone sitting down, conversation happening, and so on. That communicates that dinner is something important to be savored, not rushed through. (Having a hard time with that myself right now, as our house is kind of torn up as we're prepping it to sell, and our dining room has become the repository for all kinds of junk. My goal this weekend is to excavate it so that we can have a decent dinner again!).
The other issue really is etiquette, and/or a Golden Rule kind of thing. It wouldn't arise so much if you were eating together, but on the other hand, it's not bad to use the times when it does arise as teaching moments. Would they want to be bugged while they were eating? (and my kids would say, no, especially the ones who DO get bugged by siblings during meals -- letting people eat in peace is one standard we're working on here). Well, now it's your turn to eat, which you didn't do earlier (it's not like you're getting some special extra meal that little children don't get, bwa ha ha), because you were busy helping them, feeding the baby, etc -- doing chores for the household -- and you would like to eat in peace, too. I know, realistically, in a busy household, there's no such thing as "without constant interruption," but seems to me that that's not a bad ideal -- because that's something that they can learn to value, too. And it seems to me that mothers are placed not only to model how to treat others, but how others wish to be treated. You can articulate better than a little sibling what is and isn't polite, kind, considerate, etc, in the way another person is treating you, and that's as important as modeling politeness, kindness, consideration, etc, yourself.
So the proper meal issue is best solved by eating together, but seems to me that the situation you find yourself in can provide some valuable teaching moments, too, and I don't think you should beat yourself up about them.
We have dealt with similar issues here, Amy. This is what is working right now for us. Three meals a day, eaten together. No snacks except raw fruit or vegetables between meals. Dessert after dinner. (My kids used to beg for dessert after lunch or breakfast LOL!)
By the time mealtime rolls around, they are usually fairly hungry and sit for a while, though my 2 and 4 yos are always done much sooner than the rest of us.
Once in a while, mostly in the winter months, we have teatime at 3:30, and I will put out a cookie and tea for each of us but I really try to limit snacks to the raw fruit and veggies.
I would echo the same advice you've been given. Now I don't sit down right away at meals because I fixed and served ds' first, then I have to fix mine. But it's really easy to get into the habit of doing something else because you have some down time -- the other kids are occupied and somewhat quiet, so it's a moment's peace. I crave eating alone and in silence, so I can have a few thoughts to myself.
Alas, it won't happen anytime soon. Ds eats better when I'm at the table. And THIS is the meal, not later. That's his chance. I don't fall for the "I'm hungry" bit. If he has chosen to not eat, I'm not giving in later, so that he will learn we eat at the appropriate times. We do have snack time, but that's later, not 20 minutes later.
I don't share my food. We eat what's served on our plate. It must be our family, because we never shared food growing up, either.
Everyone's given good advice. One thing I do at lunchtime is read to the children. It forces a read aloud time for me (because I'm notoriously bad about having one in the day). The kids sit even when their meals are finished (except the 2 year old but she's usually eaten all she will by that time).
I tell them, "You had your chance to eat, now it's my turn to eat."
It's just not always practical with so many little ones sometimes. I agree all the chores and such can wait, but breakfast and lunch are also a chance for a busy hs-ing mom to take a breather - to sit in a comfy chair to nurse, have a bite to eat or a cup of java, or make a quick phone call to dh. A mom should not only be able to do that, I'd say it's really important that she get that recharge if she's going to manage the rest of the day in any agreeable manner! :)
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